Relationship conflict isn’t a bad thing – to be avoided whenever possible. Ask any couple who’s been together for years and years and they will tell you that their time together has not been without conflict. As U.W.’s John Gottman assures us, the problem isn’t conflict, it’s the way we deal with conflict. According to Gottman 69% of marital disagreements are durable. We’ll never get them to agree with our view and we’ll certainly never agree with theirs. Think of it….69%. If we really think that the way to end this particular conflict is for one of us to come over to the other’s side, that’s a heck of a lot of frustration we’ll be dealing with. So what happens when we are grinding on each other without a sense of resolution? Well, the risk to our relationships, again, isn’t the fact of those perpetual disagreements. It’s our tendency to slip into one, or more, of the negative relationship habits that Gottman terms The Four Horsemen of relationship apocalypse. These are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. Criticism: When you don’t just have a complaint about something your partner did or didn’t do, but you criticize their character. It’s not, “I’m really angry that you promised to take out the garbage but didn’t and it didn’t get picked up.” It’s, “You always do this. You are unreliable (or lazy or uncaring or selfish, etc.). Contempt: When you begin to nurture an attitude that you are superior to your partner. Gottman observes that contempt is incredibly toxic for a relationship and if it is allowed free rein inside a person’s psyche, he can almost guarantee divorce. Stonewalling: When one partner shuts down and refuses to engage. It may be the result of emotional flooding that feels overwhelming, but the period for that is fairly limited and the stonewaller shuts down and doesn’t re-engage. It leaves the other person hanging out there, exposed. The stonewaller thinks their behavior is passive and doesn’t understand that it is experienced, usually, as much more painful and aggressive by their partner. Finally, Defensiveness: No matter what I say to you about my concerns, you have a reason, defense or counterattack. I feel unheard and unacknowledged. It is a terribly frustrating and painful experience and will cause me to withdraw to protect myself from feeling so invisible. There are definitely ways to manage perpetual conflict, or conflict on topics that forever seem to defy solution, and these will be brought up in a later post. For now, however, the point is that we need to be ever vigilant for the introduction of any of The Four Horsemen into our relationship when we experience the emotional fatigue and discouragement of disagreements that seem not to have ready solutions.
Category Archives: Marriage/Relationship Counseling
The Power of Fear
We never make our best decisions from a place of fear. The amygdala, that little guy in the middle of our brain kicks in – and we can just forget about it after that! Our left brain might as well have hopped a jet to Katmandu, for al thel impact it will have. When our fear is triggered, we automatically shoot into basic survival, fight-or-flight mode. Relationship stress – the terribly painful conflicts with which we struggle – activates the amygdala as sure as the saber toothed tiger coming across the path of our uber-ancient forebears. Marital therapist Brent Atkinson in his excellent Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy speaks about as well as any of the intensity with which we are swept up in the reactive and painful fear that infects both people in the throes of intimate conflict. While it is usually easier for us to say we are angry rather than fearful, it may not matter how you characterize these intense emotions. Either way, the right brain and amygdala dominate our mental process, our left brain shuts down and our ability to manage conflict is reduced to zero.
Labelling People – Thinking About Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Recently, the New York Times reported that the mental health diagnostic “bible,” the DSM is going to drop Narcissistic Personality Disorder in its 5th Edition. Laura Smith, Ph.D. provides a good explanation for why this was done, here. While an interesting development in its own right, the move brings to mind an overriding concern about the easy use of labels like “narcissistic.” Many, many, times have I heard people in recent years label someone as “narcissistic.” It’s not that “people who believe the world only exists if seen through their own eyes” don’t exist – and it’s not that these folks don’t cause a lot of distress to those close to them. (I remember hearing in my training that the only way you see a person with NPD in therapy is if their spouse or family basically says, “Get help on this or we’re outta here!”) San Diego mediator Bill Eddy identifies people struggling with NPD as one of a handful of “high conflict personalities” who challenge helping professionals mightily. But here’s the problem – it’s easy to label, isolate and dismiss another person, losing sight of the fact that this rigid shell of a personality they present to the world covers enormous, old pain. Eddy has suggested that the 4 major “high conflict personalities” at their core, are protecting themselves from the pain of early, constant violations to their developing, tender personalities. The “borderline” personality is driven by the Fear of (emotional) Abandonment, suffered so early. The “antisocial” personality is driven by the Fear of Being Dominated. The “histrionic” personality is driven by the Fear of Being Ignored. The “narcissistic personality” is driven by the Fear of Inferiority. In fact, these people with hugely (over)inflated views of themselves have buried within their hearts a glass shard of failure to measure up – of not being good enough. When we almost cavalierly label others as “narcissists” (or any other thing) we rob them of their humanity and pain. Of course, in their striving to protect themselves from the ancient, overwhelming wounds that are long-buried within, they may often overwhelm and deeply injure their intimates. But as with all injuries which we suffer at the hands of others, our own healing comes in part through our own halting efforts to understand and even hold compassion for the other. It’s not necessary to label the other so that we don’t take on responsibility for our own injuries. It was never our fault anyway. To humanize ourselves without dehumanizing the person who wounded us is an ongoing challenge and, I think, righteous goal.
Couples Therapy – What to Look For
John Gottman has observed that, on average, couples come in for counseling after they have been experiencing serious problems in their relationship for 6 years. That means that when you sit in that client’s chair for the first time, you probably will be feeling angry, hurt and hopeless. You will probably feel blamed by your partner. You may be trying desperately to save your relationship – or you may be almost out the door and have agreed to give this one more shot. You might have had a horrible fight recently that leaves both partners exhausted and wounded. So now I’m going to share a prejudice of mine: People who seek the help of a therapist for couples work should see someone who is specifically trained to work with couples. A therapist who is really good at working with individuals, may not be so helpful with couples. Teaching communication skills can be very useful, for sure, but every couple brings with them a rich and complex dynamic. It is this dynamic (or system….or cycle) that a therapist needs to understand and touch. When we are stressed in our relationship we already feel alone and isolated. Working with couples from an individual perspective only strengthens this sense of isolation, I think. There are a number of wonderful ways to think about, and work with, couples in distress. Many like Susan Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Others develop an expertise in John Gottman’s approach. Still others use Brent Atkinson’s Emotionally Intelligent Couples Therapy approach, or Dan Wile’s Collaborative Couples Therapy. I prefer Johnson’s work, spiced by the work of these other exceptional and gifted people. There are certainly more kinds of couples therapy out there. My suggestion is that whoever you work with, make sure they have specific training and focus in an approach to couples therapy.
Attachment – The Tie That Truly Binds
Two lovers come into the therapist’s office, raw and wounded from months, or years, of painful conflict. Perhaps they are in their seventh year of marriage. Maybe they’ve been together 20 years. (Marriage expert John Gottman says that the two peaks for divorce are in the first 7 years of marriage or in the 16-20 year range.) Whatever their time together, there is one thing that most of these very sad and stressed couples have in common: Their relationship shares the basic need for Attachment that this mother and child display . What is “attachment?” As John Bowlby first explained to us, attachment is a fundamental need for connection with another. It is as biologically driven as food. Children deprived of a safe, secure bond with a caregiver (usually the mother, but not always) will suffer dearly. This need doesn’t go away just because we grow hair under our arms. It prevails throughout life. Attachment for a one year old means a secure base. Touch mom. Know she’s there. Then explore your world. Without that base, life is overwhelming and the child is lost. Attachment means a safe haven. When life threatens, our attachment figure is where we turn for security. If you think this is just about babies ask yourself: Have I been more productive and comfortable in the world as an adult when I was in a secure relationship (if you have been so fortunate)? Ask as well: Who did adults call on their cell phones when the airliners slammed into the Twin Towers on 9/11? Their husbands/wives/partners/closest friends…first call was to attachment figures. The godmother of adult attachment theory and how it affects our intimate relationships is Dr. Sue Johnson. Her approach to marital therapy for these desperately struggling people who are bonded, yet alienated, is Emotionally Focused Therapy. Her book Hold Me Tight is a guiding light for couples seeking reconnection.
When Divorcing Folks Don’t Have to Get Divorced
Over the last year, I have felt my practice moving away from divorce law and toward helping people maintain their relationships. I began to realize that the great majority of couples I help in mediation did not have to get divorced. (Now that’s a bit more complicated than this simple statement suggests, because by the time they go to a lawyer or divorce mediation, one of them, at least, has withdrawn from the marriage. For them the marriage is over and any effort to get them to change their mind will just be futile –more on that in another post.) Still, had these poor stressed and wounded people gotten some help on their relationship before the threshold to dissolution had been crossed, a relationship felt to be beyond repair could rise from the ashes. John Gottman, Ph.D. famously observed that studies suggest that, on average, couples wait six years after they know there are serious problems with their relationship, to see a counselor. That’s why any couples counselor has got to expect people to be hurt, angry, polarized and emotionally reactive when they first come in. Yet conflict and pain – even that which has endured for a few years – need not bring hopelessness. I have seen people re-establish connections and heal old wounds. It’s just a shame that so many couples I have worked with in the divorce arena never got that help in time.
When Is It Time to Let Go?
I attended a wonderful conference on brief therapy a couple of years ago and concentrated on the folks who were presenting about marital/couples therapy. Thus inspired, I had dinner with an old friend and his second wife (also, now, a dear friend). Their union was very connected and sweet, and definitely had benefited from years of work. (They say a good marriage is work and whoever “they” are, you’d best believe them.) I had listened to my friend describe his first marriage and a mismatch which had produced his beloved daughter. The way he described the relationship, I had to come away with the belief that it was a good thing he had gotten divorce. So over dinner, I regaled him with my new-found commitment to the idea that any marriage can be saved and that divorce is an avoidable trauma – necessary only in cases of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual). My dear friend looked at me like I was nuts. He assured me that his first marriage would have resulted in years of despair for (probably) his wife and (certainly) for him. They were young. They were mis-matched.
In my years of helping people disentangle from painful marriages, I know very well that for one partner, the time comes that their emotional commitment to the marriage is simply gone. At some point there is no reviving a person’s commitment to a marriage. That person knows that the marriage is over in their heart. It is a very painful truth.
While it is definitely possible to stop this erosion of emotional commitment to a marriage before that line is crossed – once that last step is taken my observation from years of working with divorcing people is – there’s not going back. Sadly – wrenchingly – it’s over. There comes a time when our energies need to shift from holding onto a marriage that has emotionally ended for one person to recovering emotionally from the grief and loss of this transition and finding a new path that will, over time, bring fulfillment and love.
The Marital Dance of Conflict
Our fights sometimes have the feel of a couple of siblings in the back of the car on an endless road trip. “Johnny, Susie, stop fighting!” The inevitable response is something like: Susie – “He hit me first!” Johnnie – “I did not! She kicked me.” Susie – “That’s because he took my pencil.” Johnny – “Did not!” Susie – “Did too!” Etc. Now this is not to say that the hurt and anger we feel when we are locked in painful conflict with our partner is child-like or immature. Quite the contrary – it seems to go to the core of who we are sometimes. That’s not the point here. If you look at the above scene, you’ll see a circular argument in which each person believes the other person started it…that the other person is the cause of the distress. Of course, the other person thinks that it started with you. In law, partners who are locked into this conflict will go and hire lawyers, who in turn will try to convince a judge that their side is right and the cause of the problem is the other person. I promise you, that in every case that a judge says one person is the cause of the problem, that decision will never, ever, ever convince the other disputant. He or she will just feel screwed – unheard – misunderstood. For good reason, too, because our ongoing conflicts are ultimately circular in causation. We ultimately react to the other person who ultimately reacts to us. By the time the circle is joined, the conflict has a life of its own and the start is about as obscure as trying to find the missing link in the fog of antiquity. The key isn’t who is right. Rather the key is, how can we disengage from this cycle and stop hurting each other and get back on track. Helping with this often difficult task is, by the way, one of the great services a skilled marital therapist can provide.
Depression and Marriage
Lots of marriages have run aground over the depression of one of the partners. Most frequently, it has been the man. I think we have a mistaken assumption that depression means that someone doesn’t get out of bed or is basically non-functional. Most people who are depressed have families, go to work and generally do what they gotta do. It’s just that the color is drained from their lives. Depressed people don’t find enjoyment in the things that used to please them. In the face of suggestions about change, their common response is a variant of “What difference does it make?” While you may be successful in your job, this task uses up about all of your reserves of energy. You feel there’s nothing left when you come home. Certainly not for dealing with the challenges that go along with maintaining a strong relationship. The partner of the depressed person feels alone. Any negative comment directed at the depressed spouse is taken in deeply by the depressed mind as a global criticism and they withdraw. The good news is that treatment approaches for depression abound. A marriage doesn’t have to end over one spouse’s depression. The approaches of David Burns, Aaron Beck, Michael Yapko and Martin Seligman all point the way out of the (falsely) inescapable darkness of depression. Finding the works of any of these people on Amazon cannot steer you wrong.
Our Families of Origin
We sat around with some good friends this past weekend and, perhaps inspired by the wine, one of us looked at our neighbor and said, “What words or phrases would you use to describe your mother?” There were 3 women and 2 men. We went around the circle and each of us uncovered our little nuggets – the first words that came to mind. Here in this group of fairly satisfied, positive people in their 50’s, the power of our parents in our psyches rose up luminous. Some associations were painful – “angry” “frustrated” – others were romantic – “brilliant” “loving” – but none were flat. “Mother” and “Father” have the capacity to evoke our deepest feelings, well into middle age and (I’m guessing) beyond. Handling all that in therapy is interesting and tricky. Truly our families of origin have an enormous molding influence on our lives, but as a wise friend likes to say, “It’s fine to look at that past, just don’t stare.” I like that one. I think therapists need to carefully balance acknowledgment of the past that brings a hurting person into our office, with a deep appreciation (honestly conveyed) of its impact – yet at the same time our lives are most definitely in the present and it will be in the future. People who come to us and are hurting are experiencing a painful present and if we are able to work well together, a positive, productive, less painful future is the goal. I heard a therapist say this weekend that people come in oftentimes with the attitude, “I will not be happy until my parents were nicer to me as a child.” The power of this past can never be underappreciated. Yet dwelling on this past in the hope, somehow, of understanding something that will set us free, I believe, is like trying to get some sunshine by heading for the Canadian North in December. Ain’t going to happen. Freedom comes in mastering our lives today – in whatever form that takes for each of us.