Well, if I had a nickel for every time I have asked a client how they were feeling and their response was “frustrated,” I ‘d be able to purchase the naming rights for the Mariners’ home field and change the name from T-Mobile Park to Mediation and Counseling Offices of Joseph Shaub Stadium.
I practice Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and as the first word would suggest, we are always exploring for the feelings that lie under the initial (and understandable) flash of anger when one feels unimportant, ignored, judged or criticized by their partner. So often, though – it’s almost universal – the reply comes back that the person is “frustrated.” For years, I have thought of this as the first step to exploring one’s emotion. Hanging out with those feelings will often bring us to something a step deeper, like “fear,” or “sadness/grief,” or “shame.” Those are heavy and we don’t show our emotional underbelly unless we know we are safe. We’d be kind of nuts not to. So we start with the safest, closest disclosure: Frustrated. So, when I hear that, I have been inclined to dig deeper. I still am inclined to do that, but…..
Something happened not long ago in a session that really shifted the way I think about that word. Here is the thinking that followed:
What is “frustrated,” after all? It is the desire to reach a goal and to somehow be thwarted. I once wanted to open a door and for some reason, the handle wasn’t working. I tried a few times to solve the problem in the most intuitive way and it just didn’t work. I wanted to achieve a goal (open the door), but I was being frustrated in the attempt. When I considered the word in that light, I began to wonder, “What is the goal you want to reach but feel you can’t?” That answer, with the emphasis on the goal and the de-emphasis on what they believe their partner is doing to keep them from the goal, has been a real help in figuring out what’s bugging people in their relationship sometimes. What I like about that exploration is that it often results in a healing message to our partner, which is the goal, I think.
Bev and I celebrated our 20th anniversary last year. I’ve got to admit, I feel pride in saying that. I have said for a long time that I don’t like it when people say that “Marriage takes work.” That sounds daunting and not so much the case, I think. I do believe that marriage takes attention, though. Both to our partner’s needs and to ourselves.
One of the many things I’ve learned doing couples therapy and being part of a couple is that there are things our partner does that is definitely going to annoy us. More than annoy us, though, we may experience our partner not just pushing our buttons but stomping on them. Here’s an example I had to work out. Bev is careful. She’s one of those people who checks the stove to make sure it’s off before she leaves the house. There’s a certain way she likes things and if they are like that, she relaxes and is happy. However….I have a sensitive place in me that responds strongly to messages that I am incompetent. That’s a message I received like a continued battery of canon shots when I was young. Unlearning that training and embracing my own competence was quite a task and I have spent a lot of time working on that. (Yay Therapy!) However, there are times when my wife’s need to double check what I have just done (to calm herself – which is a good thing) may smack me across the chops with a loud “You can’t do this right.” There was a time I would get so hurt and angry when this would happen. But somehow, over the years (and thanks to my work with couples and seeing this play out many times) when she acts in a certain way, it’s not about me, it’s about her. When I realized that my wife’s personal foibles were about her and not me, I was able to settle down and the emotional climate of our home became much calmer.
My parents were married for 56 years and I don’t know that I ever saw them happy together. In later years, they just went to their own rooms and did their thing. That was the model I saw of marriage and for that and a variety of other reasons, I never thought I would have a long term, solid bond. So, I’m kind of amazed that I have a 20 year long marriage that remains happy. I do think that the lessons I learned in studying Emotionally Focused Therapy have helped enormously. On some level, though, I think we need to make a decision that we want to turn to our relationship – actively support it. Give it the attention it needs…..and have a loving partner who makes the same commitment. That I have! I write this as a lucky guy.
Anybody who does something long enough will draw their own conclusions – make their own connections between events & experiences. No description of the therapy experience could be more apt. Nothing could be a better example of this series of observations than The Great Debate that enters my office over and again. So many times, I have sat with two people who seek help with “communication issues” and when I have a chance to experience these frustrating communication conundrums (bet you didn’t think you’d read that phrase today!) I so often see people descending into their Great Debate. One person has something they want to get across and after he has laid it out, he will sit back with the hope and expectation that his partner will get it. Yet, what does she do? Almost invariably she will respond with her position, hoping that she will be able to communicate her point of view. My early trainers and teachers in Emotionally Focused Therapy would continually admonish us not to “go down the content tube.” With every issue that confronts a couple (sharing housework, dealing with money, struggling over parenting issues, where to go for vacation, etc. etc.) there is his side and her side (or her side and her side or his side and his side). When people bring these struggles into my office I am shown The Great Debate and invariably (I mean invariably), each person gives up, exhausted and deflated. As well they would be!!!
So here’s the way out of this frustrating circle. Realize that the chances of convincing the other person that you are right and they are wrong will be very slim. The second step, that is so crucial, is to understand and appreciate that there is something else that feels vital that underlays The Great Debate. It may be about having a crucial emotional need recognized. It may be about being seen and valued by your partner. Usually, these needs (which are what the Debate is about on the most fundamental level) are outside of our awareness, yet they spark our intensity. Needless to say, this devolution into Debate, is a particular interpersonal hazard for those trained in law. The mistake is to seek to persuade the other. This will almost always spark the Debate and steer us away from understanding and ultimate agreement – in whatever form that may take.
It’s not that what you did was really really bad…it’s that what you did really, really hurt me.
We human creatures are creatures after all. Staying away from danger is what all creatures do by instinct and we have a lot of nerve endings exposed to our loved one. We all have “raw spots” as Dr. Sue Johnson elegantly phrases it. All of us. Some, because of early ravages may have very sensitive places within and it really doesn’t take a lot of threatening or hurtful contact to make us collapse in self protection like a sea anemone.
If we fight about whether “you did something wrong” and “I demand an apology” we are going to spin ourselves up (and away from each other) very quickly. I can try again and again to try to get you to see (and admit) that you did something really, really bad. Yet, you either start to justify yourself or get angry back at me, or both. I get so mad back at you because you refuse to acknowledge what you did. And on it goes.
I believe that the way out of this self perpetuating and exhausting (and dispiriting and lonely) cycle is to shift to a true statement that the other person may be able to hear and respond to in a way that makes them feel safe to you again. That statement would run something like this, “What you did really, really hurt me.” You’ve got to let your partner see where your sensitive places are. Over and over, I have seen, and read about, and spoken to colleagues about intimate partners in stress and conflict who shift their thinking and speaking in this way who settle down. They begin to allow the natural attractive force of their bond to overcome the centrifugal force of the conflict. That shift needs to take time and usually it’s best to do this with the help of a couples therapist. These are ubersensitive places for us. We need to approach them cautiously and with respect. The real stuff down there is (pick one) fragile, scary, raw, threatening…the opposite of comfortable. We’ve got to protect ourselves, and if the sensitivity seems big, then the self-protection will be big too. It’s not easy to say “you hurt me” when the hurt is so deep. It’s way safer to say “what you did is incredibly bad.” That won’t get us closer, though and usually we will need a calm guide to help us find those words – find that emotion and talk about it. That’s why it’s called Emotionally Focused Therapy and not something else.
Good couples therapy is complex, demanding and very, very rewarding. I’ve been at it for many years, now, and the gratification that comes with helping two people in conflict and deep distress find each other again and re-bond is just immense. Yet, what I have found, as well, is that many parts of helping couples is pretty straightforward and kind of easy. Noting, and reflecting back to people, some of the natural errors of thinking – their mistaken expectations – which only gets them in trouble comes up all the time. Here are some examples:
- Many times, a person will say or do something that is incredibly hurtful to their partner and their defense is often, “I didn’t do it on purpose.” That comment never mollifies the wounded partner. After all, if a person did miss the anniversary or leave a mess in the kitchen (despite the pleas of the other to be more aware of that), then they are either very angry (which needs to be talked about) or they are simply a sociopath (which means that the relationship is fundamentally destructive and the wounded person has some serious deciding to do). The part that hurts is the sense of neglect and not being valuable or cared for. That’s the issue to be addressed. It doesn’t help that the behavior wasn’t intentional.
- Many people still believe that “if I have to ask for it, it doesn’t mean anything.” They labor under the inevitably heartbreaking belief that to be truly loved means the other person can anticipate your needs, they know you that well. Maybe one day in the far distant future pre-marital counseling will include a procedure which permits us to mind read our partner (although I don’t think anybody would really want that). In any event, that capacity does not currently exist and it is not how adult people show love to each other. To expect love to be shown by knowing what we need without us having to tell you about it is, I believe, part of the magical thinking of childhood and that’s where we get this sadly deceptive belief. The honest to goodness truth is that many loving partners are overjoyed at the prospect of providing something to their lover, if they knew what was needed. We do have to ask for what we need. The disappointment comes when we are clear about our need and our partner refuses to provide. Again, that may be a result of anger or high defensiveness (which needs to be talked about), but from what I’ve seen, people want to show their love.
- Many couples let their connection just slip away. They take their relationship for granted. I have witnessed this frequently. Bill Doherty Ph.D., perhaps the Dean of American couples therapists has written an excellent book, Take Back Your Marriage, which is built around this very theme. Take back your marriage from your children, from work, from the computer, etc. I am lucky enough to practice in Bellevue, WA, where many couples are high functioning and extremely busy. I will often ask them to recount their interactions over the past week and they will say that they were so busy that there isn’t much to report. They hardly saw each other during the week. If people allow this to disconnect to become embedded into their relationship, they will drift away from each other and the next time they look up, their partner will be so far away that they will lose hope of ever getting them close again. That’s when the discussion of consistent “marital rituals” comes in and that, too, is a pretty easy problem to identify and discuss.
When I meet with a couple for the first time there are a couple of things I want to understand about them from the outset – aside from what brings them to my office now. The first element of any assessment is their interactive process. How do these people relate? Are they volatile (or exercising a lot of self control not to be volatile in my presence)? How quickly does one or the other person become emotionally reactive and when that happens, what does their partner do in their own reaction? Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists, in their early interactions with a couple in distress, are ever vigilant for indications of this particular pair’s cycle. It’s at the heart of the healing work we do and it’s darn near guaranteed, that if a therapist can help a couple understand the process by which each becomes emotionally reactive to the other (and then is responded to with an equally emotional reaction) we have traveled leagues in the direction of creating safety and an emotionally calmer domestic environment. But there’s yet another critical part of any assessment of a couple in distress.
How is life treating them?
By this question, I mean, what sorts of natural stresses or traumas are they experiencing? When life transmits a blow that would knock anyone off their feet, it is natural that this will contribute to the stress that two people will experience – and reflect in a wicked interactive cycle of fear and distress. Pregnancy and birth of a first baby is one of those experiences. “We never argued like this before little Mitzi came alone,” is not an uncommon cry in my office. A couple who decided to marry only after they discovered their pregnancy is another example of a powerful life stressor. (Life stressors can be thought of as a finger that plucks a guitar string, setting it to vibrating energetically.) I have worked with a number of couples that found one partner, or both, moving to a new locality, away from their network of care and support. The dislocation of such an experience will cause people to bounce around in some psychic earthquake that can register beyond Richter scale readings. Illness or other challenges besetting a child, job loss or any other blow to people’s financial security, falling victim to a crime, deployment to and return from active military service, illness or disability of a parent – these and other thunderstorms that inundate people with worry and woe cannot help but set off the cycle of anxiety and painful interactions described here as a cycle. Almost always, when people come into my office, they have their subjects that they are struggling over. Yet to take that “10,000 foot view” of the problem, it is easy to see how a major life challenge has left people exposed, vulnerable and so easily subject to the interactive cycle of distress that reaches through the doors and windows of their home and infects their lives and renders them fearful and miserable. It is always helpful to give ourselves a break and understand the impact of life as it …. happens.
I often hear clients in couples therapy ask for “tools.” I’m usually a bit wary of these requests, because exercises and tools tend to get shed and forgotten when jagged conflict blasts through the windows and doors. “I” statements that sound so sensible and helpful in a therapist’s office morph, with high stress and conflict into, “I think you’re a thoughtless piece of crap,” or worse. However, there is one set of rules that are so reliable they could be reduced to a mathematical formulas.
Partners in chronic conflict are beset with a firm fixation on their hurts, disappointments and violations, experienced at the hands of the other. We try so desperately hard to get the other to understand how their behavior hurts us. Yet, with dogged consistency, the other will either argue back, shut down or (maybe this is the worst) agree that they should do better and then continue the same dispiriting behavior. Any of these responses are guaranteed to stimulate within us a need to repeat the message with greater volume and intensity. So here are some basic rules that will help extricate struggling intimates from this maddening cycle. Rule 1: Acknowledging what your partner is doing right =:Lowering of the stress between you. Rule 2: Lowering the stress between you + acknowledgment = Increase in the behavior you are seeking. Rule 3: Continuing to mostly point out your partner’s shortcomings will lead to continued troubling behavior from them as they give up on trying to satisfy and please you.
While this rule also applies if you are dealing with a recalcitrant kid or a frustratingly under-performing employee, we see it almost all the time with couples in distress. Think back of the last time you wanted to give to someone you cared about. How did it feel when their face beamed and you knew you had satisfied them? Now think of the last time you made the same attempt to please them and they not only failed to acknowledge your effort in their direction, but criticized you? Just like an unwavering mathematical formula – just as surely as E=mc² – you will discourage further efforts with criticism and encourage further efforts with acknowledgment. Of course, the highly distressed and frustrated individual might respond, “That’s all well and good, but why should I have to bow down and kiss his/her feet if they do only what I’ve been asking for over and over and over again?” The answer is…the formula. If you want positive behavior, acknowledge it. U.W.’s John Gottman says that a solid relationship has a ratio of 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. That’s close to the relationship of positives to negatives you’re looking for.
It is also important to know that the loneliness, hurt or distance you have been experiencing – and trying to get your partner to understand – will be much more easily transmitted and taken in if the level of anger, dissatisfaction and despair are lowered and your intimate environment becomes safer. Acknowledgment doesn’t have to include brass bands and hosannas. Usually that’s not really called for anyway. Yet, a nod and a statement of acknowledgment and appreciation will be infinitely more effective in getting the behavior and care one craves than a reminder of how hurtful or disappointment that person is. I’d suggest, as a tool, you try it for a week or two and see if it doesn’t start shifting your partner’s behavior. It might be incremental at first, but remember that almost no significant change is dramatic. Our lives are organic. Every change is incremental – but one block adds to another and over time a strong structure is in place – built day-after-day with those incremental positive changes.
There was a time when I would be very accommodating to couples who wanted to come in every other week or every three weeks. The reasons were certainly understandable. Finances are always a consideration. Many couples are very busy and have to work to squeeze in a couples therapy appointment when they can. Two jobs and children will do that to you! Then, a while ago, I realized that this was a big mistake and a disservice to my couples. Here’s why –
Albert Einstein shared this brilliant insight: We cannot solve a problem with the same thinking that created the problem. No better words could describe effective relationship therapy. In a prior post I discussed the rule that what couples are talking about really isn’t what they are talking about. To repeat what I said there, people come into a therapist’s office locked into this repeated disagreement that is driving them nuts. A very common example many of us have experienced involves division of household chores. The woman, usually, complains (often bitterly) that he does not help around the house. She feels like his maid and she is very angry about that. The man will often respond that this is just not so. Why, just two days ago, he did all the dishes after dinner and she gives him no credit for the mowing, gutter work and other chores he performs. Her exasperated reply is that he doesn’t understand. It’s the day-to-day chores that keep the house running that all fall on her. He gets defensive and comes up with more evidence of his own contributions. Many maddening couples’ conflicts look like debates. One person states their side. The other responds by stating their side. The first repeats what they said to begin with, maybe trying to say it a different way, maybe ladling on more supportive evidence. Whatever the words that spill forth, these conflicts usually reduce down to “I’m right,.” “No, I’m right.” “No, I’m right.” Like I said earlier, it drives these poor people nuts. The chance of a satisfying resolution falls just behind that of Donald Trump converting to Islam and losing the wig.
One of the keys to effective Emotionally Focused Therapy is the dawning understanding by each partner that the process of their conflict is what needs healing. They will never resolve the content of their disagreements without understanding and finding the safety to share the needs that underlie the cycle of conflict. The content is a proxy for what’s really eating at each of them. Understanding their particular cycle will almost always lower the anxiety and energy which fuels the intense and painful conflicts they endure. Yet, this is a new way of thinking. Without consistent reminders and the efforts of a therapist who can point out who the raging disputes over……whatever is upsetting them, a couple will fall back into the thinking that brought them into the therapist’s office to start with. Thus, if couples only come in once every two or three or four weeks during the initial phase of this work, they will almost never get it. They will spin round and round in their cycle. They’ll maybe get it during a particular meeting, but then completely lose the thread if the gap is greater than a week. So, really, in this kind of work, any schedule for meetings that extends beyond one week, is, I believe, a waste of time and money. My recommendation – don’t engage in relationship counseling (particularly Emotionally Focused Therapy) unless you are willing to devote the first three or four months to weekly meetings.
Couples therapy sessions last anywhere from one hour to 90 minutes. Any less than an hour isn’t enough time for themes to develop in the room and people given enough space to explore them together to a satisfying resolution. Plenty of times, an important subject isn’t raised, or sensitive button pushed, until midway through a meeting and ending on the 50 minute or hour mark feels like an abrupt and unsettling “hard stop.” More frequently than I, or other couples therapists, would like to admit or experience, even the 90 minute duration won’t end in a nice feeling of something valuable having been tied up, with the clients released back into their world carrying a helpful insight into each other or with a meaningful connection made. I think one difference between an experienced couples therapist and a newer professional is the ability to manage our own anxiety when a session ends with that unsettling static still in the air. One person may be holding back (more) tears. The other may be get up from their seat and hand you their payment in stony silence. A worry passes through the therapist’s mind, “Will they come back? Did I blow it somehow?” Well, welcome to the world of the therapist as a living, breathing person. We want to help – that’s why we’re in this business. So, you can imagine the uneasiness when a couples session ends with simmering anger and complicated feelings still spinning within and between the partners. It’s important for everyone to take a deep breath and realize that these harsh-feeling endings are not a disaster for clients or the work you are doing. Almost never will a couple feel so distressed after a session that they will decide to abandon the couples therapy altogether. In fact, oftentimes, couples return the next week and report that they found a way to work through that difficult patch and, while the therapist is all ready to continue with the theme that ended the last session, the people have come in with something entirely different to talk about. While it is important for therapists not to become anxious about unfinished endings, it is equally important for couples who emerge from such sessions to understand that it’s okay and normal in the world of couples work to periodically end on an off-note. It happens. It will be okay.
During the weekend of October 24-26, I attended the annual conference of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP) in Vancouver. I was fortunate to be accepted as a speaker and received a gift which upon returning home, I opened to find a talking stick. It is a beautiful piece of art with feathers tied to an end with a leather thong. For those unfamiliar with the talking stick, many indigenous American cultures use this tool when a group of people are meeting to discuss…..well, just about anything. The stick is passed around and when it is in a person’s grasp, only he or she may speak. There can be no interruptions, side-talk or other distractions. There is one person who speaks and the role of all others is to listen. This process – of providing space for people to express themselves without interruption – is essential to any dispute resolution process – be it couples therapy, divorce mediation or a larger group process. I always tell people who sit in my office – so full of anxiety about the specter of conflict that hovers in the room – that I will keep the other from interrupting so that each has a space to speak. I have not hesitated to get up in between people if the sparks start to fly. “You can do this – you have done this – quite well on your own. You don’t need to pay me to do this in my office. My role here is to keep this place safe, so if you are listening to what the other is saying and you believe it is not accurate or you need to defend yourself, please hold it and you will have your opportunity.” This rule, together with a chiding reminder that conflict is made safer and resolvable when each person talks about their own experience, helps move a process which initially may seem frightening or overwhelming to a platform of acceptance.