Shaublog

It’s hard to adequately describe the poignancy and pain of people who are locked into a chronic, demoralizing, soul-sapping cycle of conflict in their intimate relationships. John Gottman observed that couples enter relationship counseling, on average, after they have experienced serious problems for six years. That’s a lot of painful grinding on each other. No wonder the couples we help in couples therapy start out so painfully estranged that they are all but hopeless when they sit in our offices for the first time. And yet, I have no doubt – none - that unions that are challenged, with wrenching conflict, can be healed, set right and made stable for good. It doesn’t happen overnight and so people who engage this process need to be patient, courageous and kind to themselves. The first step, as Dr. Sue Johnson describes in her brilliant work setting out the approach of Emotionally Focused Therapy is to recognize and then get control of the cycle of conflict that is sparked automatically with distressed couples. It is amazing to be in the room with people who go from zero to 100 mph (emotionally speaking) in a millisecond. To witness this instantaneous transition is to respect forever more the power of the amygdala and emotional circuits of the brain. Time and again, I see this sad and painful drama spark in my office – one partner will say or do (or not say or do) something that will have deep attachment significance to the other and the reaction will be instantaneous and explosive. Both people are swept up into an agonizing dance. Each is reacting to the other – and reacting from a deep, frightened, exquisitely human place within. To the outside world – and to their partner – this pain is seen as anger, judgment, withdrawal, defensiveness – so many things that make it hard to reach out and provide the comfort, assurance and safety that both people hunger for at their core (especially when the connection with their partner seems shaky). The first step in good relationship therapy is de-escalation of conflict. Understanding those triggers that sweep each of us, instantaneously, into this cycle is the first step. It doesn’t happen overnight, but the relief it brings is as palpable as the heat generated by the conflict.

All relationships have conflict. We will wound each other, often withtout even realizing the depth of the hurts we inflict. When our partner protests, often with anger, we recoil and defend ourselves. We think, “You’re saying I’m a bad person. You’re wrong and here’s why.” We so want to protect ourselves from the bad feelings that arise when our partner protests, that we can’t hear their own pain through their anger……and so it goes, until each of us reacts to the other’s anger or withdrawal, distancing ourselves further from the one person who can provide us safety and care. How can we slow and reverse this distancing? Many suggest that it is through the power of Repair. What is Repair? One way of thinking about it is that Repair is the word, act or touch that says, “I don’t like what’s happening to us, here. I don’t want to be hurt, angry or distant.” It can be stated in those simple words. It can also be the soft touch of concliation or gesture that moves towards the lover rather than away (helping with a task; making a cup of tea; giving a small, but thoughtful gift). It can be with humor. It can be with an admission of our part in the painful exchange. A colleague, and therapist trained in Gottman’s work suggested to me that the most powerful of John Gottman’s ideas is the power of repair. This is a useful idea in this time of gift giving.

John Gottman, Ph.D. has observed that when couples come in for their first appointment with a marital therapist, their relationship has had serious problems for, on average, six years.  I often tell couples that it is rare that two people will sit across me me and say something like, “We’re basically doing fine.  We just need some help with communication.”  Much more likely, I am sitting with two very wounded people, their feelings rubbed raw from years of conflict, pain and emotional distance.  Dr. Sue Johnson observed years ago that the intensity of the conflict – the very sense of being out of control – is tragically understandable – as each person’s deepest need for connection has been unmet.  This “attachment” need (see earlier posts) is so deep it is felt, literally, on a cellular level.  People are just so emotionally exhausted and strained when they first enter marital therapy that any therapist who blames either person, rather than compassionately trying to understand the particular wounds and needs of each is doing more harm than good.  Emotionally Focused Therapy, among many things, is like a balm to people’s psychic sores.   I am on the EFT community’s list serve and I am frequently moved by the deep care and compassion of these attachment therapists.  It is a pure and fine form of therapy.  The abiding belief of this community is that healing of even the most strained relationships can come to us if we are patient and give care rather than judgment.

Relationship conflict isn’t a bad thing -  to be avoided whenever possible.   Ask any couple who’s been together for years and years and they will tell you that their time together has not been without conflict.  As U.W.’s John Gottman assures us, the problem isn’t conflict, it’s the way we deal with conflict.  According to Gottman 69%  of marital disagreements are durable.  We’ll never get them to agree with our view and we’ll certainly never agree with theirs.  Think of it….69%.  If we really think that the way to end this particular conflict is for one of us to come over to the other’s side, that’s a heck of a lot of frustration we’ll be dealing with.  So what happens when we are grinding on each other without a sense of resolution?  Well, the risk to our relationships, again, isn’t the fact of those perpetual disagreements.  It’s our tendency to slip into one, or more, of the negative relationship habits that Gottman terms The Four Horsemen of relationship apocalypse.  These are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.   Criticism:  When you don’t just have a complaint about something your partner did or didn’t do, but you criticize their character.  It’s not, “I’m really angry that you promised to take out the garbage but didn’t and it didn’t get picked up.”  It’s, “You always do this.  You are unreliable (or lazy or uncaring or selfish, etc.).  Contempt:  When you begin to nurture an attitude that you are superior to your partner.   Gottman observes that contempt is incredibly toxic for a relationship and if it is allowed free rein inside a person’s psyche, he can almost guarantee divorce.  Stonewalling:  When one partner shuts down and refuses to engage.  It may be the result of emotional flooding that feels overwhelming, but the period for that is fairly limited and the stonewaller shuts down and doesn’t re-engage.  It leaves the other person hanging out there, exposed.  The  stonewaller thinks their behavior is passive and doesn’t understand that it is experienced, usually, as much more painful and aggressive by their partner.  Finally, Defensiveness:  No matter what I say to you about my concerns, you have a reason, defense or counterattack.  I feel unheard and unacknowledged.  It is a terribly frustrating and painful experience and will cause me to withdraw to protect myself from feeling so invisible.  There are definitely ways to manage perpetual conflict, or conflict on topics that forever seem to defy solution, and these will be brought up in a later post.  For now, however, the point is that we need to be ever vigilant for the introduction of any of  The Four Horsemen into our relationship when we experience the emotional fatigue and discouragement of disagreements that seem not to have ready solutions.

We never make our best decisions from a place of fear.   The amygdala, that little guy in the middle of our brain kicks in – and we can just forget about it after that!  Our left brain might as well have hopped a jet to Katmandu, for al thel impact it will have.   When our fear is triggered, we automatically shoot into basic survival, fight-or-flight mode.  Relationship stress – the terribly painful conflicts with which we struggle – activates the amygdala as sure as the saber toothed tiger coming across the path of our uber-ancient forebears.  Marital therapist Brent Atkinson in his excellent Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy speaks about as well as any of the intensity with which we are swept up in the reactive and painful fear that infects both people in the throes of intimate conflict.  While it is usually easier for us to say we are angry rather than fearful, it may not matter how you characterize these intense emotions.  Either way, the right brain and amygdala dominate our mental process, our left brain shuts down and our ability to manage conflict is reduced to zero.

Recently, the New York Times reported that the mental health diagnostic “bible,” the DSM is going to drop Narcissistic Personality Disorder in its 5th Edition.   Laura Smith, Ph.D. provides a good explanation for why this was done, here.  While an interesting development in its own right, the move brings to mind an overriding concern about the easy use of labels like “narcissistic.”  Many, many, times have I heard people in recent years label someone as “narcissistic.”   It’s not that “people who believe the world only exists if seen through their own eyes” don’t exist – and it’s not that these folks don’t cause a lot of distress to those close to them. (I remember hearing in my training that the only way you see a person with NPD in therapy is if their spouse or family basically says, “Get help on this or we’re outta here!”)  San Diego mediator Bill Eddy identifies people struggling with NPD as one of a handful of “high conflict personalities” who challenge helping professionals mightily.  But here’s the problem – it’s easy to label, isolate and dismiss another person, losing sight of the fact that this rigid shell of a personality they present to the world covers enormous, old pain.   Eddy has suggested that the 4 major “high conflict personalities” at their core, are protecting themselves from the pain of early, constant violations to their developing, tender personalities.  The “borderline” personality is driven by the Fear of (emotional) Abandonment, suffered so early.  The “antisocial” personality is driven by the Fear of Being Dominated.  The “histrionic” personality is driven by the Fear of Being Ignored.   The “narcissistic personality” is driven by the Fear of Inferiority.  In fact, these people with hugely (over)inflated views of themselves have buried within their hearts a glass shard of failure to measure up – of not being good enough.  When we almost cavalierly label others as “narcissists” (or any other thing) we rob them of their humanity and pain.  Of course,  in their striving to protect themselves from the ancient, overwhelming wounds that are long-buried within,  they may often overwhelm and deeply injure their intimates.  But as with all injuries which we suffer at the hands of others, our own healing comes in part through our own halting efforts to understand and even hold compassion for the other. It’s not necessary to label the other so that we don’t take on responsibility for our own injuries.  It was never our fault anyway.  To humanize ourselves without dehumanizing the person who wounded us is an ongoing challenge and, I think, righteous goal.

John Gottman has observed that, on average, couples come in for counseling after they have been experiencing serious problems in their relationship for 6 years.  That means that when you sit in that client’s chair for the first time, you probably will be feeling angry, hurt and hopeless.  You will probably feel blamed by your partner.  You may be trying desperately to save your relationship – or you may be almost out the door and have agreed to give this one more shot.  You might have had a horrible fight recently that leaves both partners exhausted and wounded.  So now I’m going to share a prejudice of mine: People who seek the help of a therapist for couples work should see someone who is specifically trained to work with couples.  A therapist who is really good at working with individuals, may not be so helpful with couples.  Teaching communication skills can be very useful, for sure, but every couple brings with them a rich and complex dynamic.  It is this dynamic (or system….or cycle) that a therapist needs to understand and touch.  When we are stressed in our relationship we already feel alone and isolated.  Working with couples from an individual perspective only strengthens this sense of isolation, I think.  There are a number of wonderful ways to think about, and work with, couples in distress.  Many like Susan Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.  Others develop an expertise in John Gottman’s approach.  Still others use Brent Atkinson’s Emotionally Intelligent Couples Therapy approach, or Dan Wile’s Collaborative Couples Therapy.  I prefer Johnson’s work, spiced by the work of these other exceptional and gifted people.  There are certainly more kinds of couples therapy out there.  My suggestion is that whoever you work with, make sure they have specific training and focus in an approach to couples therapy.

Two lovers come into the therapist’s office, raw and wounded from months, or years, of painful conflict.  Perhaps they are in their seventh year of marriage.   Maybe they’ve been together 20 years.  (Marriage expert John Gottman says that the two peaks for divorce are in the first 7 years of marriage or in the 16-20 year range.)   Whatever their time together, there is one thing that most of these very sad and stressed couples have in common:  Their relationship shares the basic need for Attachment that this mother and child display .   What is “attachment?”   As John Bowlby first explained to us, attachment is a fundamental need for connection with another.  It is as biologically driven as food.  Children deprived of a safe, secure bond with a caregiver (usually the mother, but not always) will suffer dearly.  This need doesn’t go away just because we grow hair under our arms.   It prevails throughout life.   Attachment for a one year old means a secure base.  Touch mom.  Know she’s there.  Then explore your world.  Without that base, life is overwhelming and the child is lost.  Attachment means a safe haven.   When life threatens, our attachment figure is where we turn for security.  If you think this is just about babies ask yourself: Have I been more productive and comfortable in the world as an adult when I was in a secure relationship (if you have been so fortunate)?  Ask as well:  Who did adults call on their cell phones when the airliners slammed into the Twin Towers on 9/11?  Their husbands/wives/partners/closest friends…first call was to attachment figures.  The godmother of adult attachment theory and how it affects our intimate relationships is Dr. Sue Johnson.  Her approach to marital therapy for these desperately struggling people who are bonded, yet alienated, is Emotionally Focused Therapy.  Her book  Hold Me Tight is a guiding light for couples seeking reconnection.

 

Over the last year, I have felt my practice moving away from divorce law and toward helping people maintain their relationships.   I began to realize that the great majority of couples I help in mediation did not have to get divorced.  (Now that’s a bit more complicated than this simple statement suggests, because by the time they go to a lawyer or divorce mediation, one of them, at least, has withdrawn from the marriage.  For them the marriage is over and any effort to get them to change their mind will just be futile –more on that in another post.)  Still, had these poor stressed and wounded people gotten some help on their relationship before the threshold to dissolution had been crossed, a relationship felt to be beyond repair could rise from the ashes.  John Gottman, Ph.D. famously observed that studies suggest that, on average, couples wait six years after they know there are serious problems with their relationship, to see a counselor.  That’s why any couples counselor has got to expect people to be hurt, angry, polarized and emotionally reactive when they first come in.  Yet conflict and pain – even that which has endured for a few years – need not bring hopelessness.  I have seen people re-establish connections and heal old wounds.  It’s just a shame that so many couples I have worked with in the divorce arena never got that help in time. 

I attended a wonderful conference on brief therapy a couple of years ago and concentrated on the folks who were presenting about marital/couples therapy. Thus inspired, I had dinner with an old friend and his second wife (also, now, a dear friend). Their union was very connected and sweet, and definitely had benefited from years of work. (They say a good marriage is work and whoever “they” are, you’d best believe them.) I had listened to my friend describe his first marriage and a mismatch which had produced his beloved daughter. The way he described the relationship, I had to come away with the belief that it was a good thing he had gotten divorce. So over dinner, I regaled him with my new-found commitment to the idea that any marriage can be saved and that divorce is an avoidable trauma – necessary only in cases of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual). My dear friend looked at me like I was nuts. He assured me that his first marriage would have resulted in years of despair for (probably) his wife and (certainly) for him. They were young. They were mis-matched.
In my years of helping people disentangle from painful marriages, I know very well that for one partner, the time comes that their emotional commitment to the marriage is simply gone. At some point there is no reviving a person’s commitment to a marriage. That person knows that the marriage is over in their heart. It is a very painful truth.
While it is definitely possible to stop this erosion of emotional commitment to a marriage before that line is crossed – once that last step is taken my observation from years of working with divorcing people is – there’s not going back. Sadly – wrenchingly – it’s over. There comes a time when our energies need to shift from holding onto a marriage that has emotionally ended for one person to recovering emotionally from the grief and loss of this transition and finding a new path that will, over time, bring fulfillment and love.