Putt Like the Pros – Don’t Get Fat

I just got interested in golf…at 59. My lovely 17 year old daughter has, for years, gauged an activity by whether it was “fun.” That’s a big word for her, and judging by the kind of person she has turned out to be, I’d say “fun” is good.
Golf is fun. Funfunfunfun. Of course, when the day comes that I care how many strokes it takes me to get from the tee to sinking the ball into the cup, I’ll maybe change my tune. Yet, for now, just getting the ball up the hole, to the green and into the cup is an accomplishment. My wife and I just saw the most recent Harry Potter movie. Our family has read and listened to these wonderful books since the first. On the way out of the most recent movie I leaned into my wife’s ear and said, “This installment…Just moving the ball down the course.” Yes, golf imagery is seeping into my discourse.
So I just went on line to see what websites had to say about putting, which remains for me a dark art. The site I hit had a side-bar ad showing a very unattractive, exposed belly (actually grabbed to accentuate the fat) and beside it the flat result of…something. Obey the rule is all I could garner. For not the first time I thought, “What a shame.” Our culture pushes, presses, shoves us into desire for no fat, six pack abs, tight buns – while seducing us with fat laden meals that taste great and convert themselves into the handfuls that web ads use as a cudgel to sell something that will give us a fabulous body. There is cruelty in our society that masquerades as advertising or culture.
I have yet to see an ad for integrity, courage in day-to-day living or just plain satisfaction with our lives.

When Is It Time to Let Go?

I attended a wonderful conference on brief therapy a couple of years ago and concentrated on the folks who were presenting about marital/couples therapy. Thus inspired, I had dinner with an old friend and his second wife (also, now, a dear friend). Their union was very connected and sweet, and definitely had benefited from years of work. (They say a good marriage is work and whoever “they” are, you’d best believe them.) I had listened to my friend describe his first marriage and a mismatch which had produced his beloved daughter. The way he described the relationship, I had to come away with the belief that it was a good thing he had gotten divorce. So over dinner, I regaled him with my new-found commitment to the idea that any marriage can be saved and that divorce is an avoidable trauma – necessary only in cases of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual). My dear friend looked at me like I was nuts. He assured me that his first marriage would have resulted in years of despair for (probably) his wife and (certainly) for him. They were young. They were mis-matched.
In my years of helping people disentangle from painful marriages, I know very well that for one partner, the time comes that their emotional commitment to the marriage is simply gone. At some point there is no reviving a person’s commitment to a marriage. That person knows that the marriage is over in their heart. It is a very painful truth.
While it is definitely possible to stop this erosion of emotional commitment to a marriage before that line is crossed – once that last step is taken my observation from years of working with divorcing people is – there’s not going back. Sadly – wrenchingly – it’s over. There comes a time when our energies need to shift from holding onto a marriage that has emotionally ended for one person to recovering emotionally from the grief and loss of this transition and finding a new path that will, over time, bring fulfillment and love.