{"id":701,"date":"2013-02-01T12:29:58","date_gmt":"2013-02-01T19:29:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/?p=701"},"modified":"2013-02-01T12:29:58","modified_gmt":"2013-02-01T19:29:58","slug":"two-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/2013\/02\/two-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"Two Conversations"},"content":{"rendered":"

I think couples in conflict often engage in two conversations.\u00a0 One is overt, constantly repeated and endlessly frustrating.\u00a0 The other is almost always unsaid – and unacknowledged.\u00a0\"\"<\/a> If we can get to that second conversation, we can find the peace and connection we so desperately need in our intimate relationships.\u00a0 Instead, we get all tangled up in the conversation that doesn’t go anywhere.\u00a0Like birds flitting back and forth above us, what we see<\/em> is that which transfixes\u00a0us and grabs our attention.\u00a0 I have seen it over and over again in my office\u00a0– the sad, ever-so-discouraging dance of the upper conversation that almost guarantees that both people will just….feel….bad <\/em>and not feel heard by the other.\u00a0 This conversation is always about something<\/em>.\u00a0 “You don’t help around the house …..I do too<\/em> help.\u00a0 What about last week when you were tired and I vacuumed downstairs…..Oh great, thanks a lot – <\/em>am I supposed to bow down because you vacuumed once?”\u00a0\u00a0 “<\/em>How come you aren’t even trying to go back to work to bring in some money?…..I have <\/em>tried.\u00a0 You just don’t know what it’s like out there….You aren’t doing nearly enough….You have no idea what I have done.”\u00a0 These conversations don’t go anywhere because they aren’t’ about what’s really going on inside for each person.<\/p>\n

The real conversation – the one that can<\/em>\u00a0get somewhere – is\u00a0the attachment conversation<\/em>. \u00a0It is about our needs that are deep and tug at our hearts. \u00a0These are also needs that can<\/em>\u00a0be satisfied once there is a safe way to express them. \u00a0They can be the need to feel truly cared for – or to feel competent and valued – or to know your partner is not going anywhere. \u00a0They are almost always about the need to be actually seen<\/em>\u00a0and still loved and accepted. \u00a0This most critical and meaningful conversation can be very difficult to have without the help of a relationship professional. \u00a0My bias (and observation) is that Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is a wonderful platform upon which these “conversations for connection,” in Sue Johnson’s words, can occur.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I think couples in conflict often engage in two conversations.\u00a0 One is overt, constantly repeated and endlessly frustrating.\u00a0 The other is almost always unsaid – and unacknowledged.\u00a0 If we can get to that second conversation, we can find the peace and connection we so desperately need in our intimate relationships.\u00a0 Instead, we get all tangled Continue reading →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[6,5],"tags":[25,41,8],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/701"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=701"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/701\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":703,"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/701\/revisions\/703"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=701"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=701"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=701"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}