{"id":1691,"date":"2019-06-11T11:30:59","date_gmt":"2019-06-11T18:30:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/?p=1691"},"modified":"2019-06-11T11:36:53","modified_gmt":"2019-06-11T18:36:53","slug":"the-great-debate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/2019\/06\/the-great-debate\/","title":{"rendered":"The Great Debate"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\" Anybody who does something long enough will draw their own conclusions – make their own connections between events & experiences.\u00a0 No description of the therapy experience could be more apt.\u00a0 Nothing could be a better example of this series of observations than The Great\u00a0\"\"Debate that enters my office over and again.\u00a0 So many times, I have sat with two people who seek help with “communication issues” and when I have a chance to experience these frustrating communication conundrums (bet you didn’t think you’d read\u00a0that\u00a0<\/em> phrase today!) I so often see people descending into their Great Debate.\u00a0 One person has something they want to get across and after he has laid it out, he will sit back with the hope and expectation that his partner will\u00a0get it<\/em>.\u00a0 Yet, what does she do?\u00a0 Almost invariably she will respond with\u00a0her<\/em> position, hoping that she will be able to\u00a0communicate\u00a0<\/em> her point of view.\u00a0 My early trainers and teachers in Emotionally Focused Therapy would continually admonish us not to “go down the content tube.”\u00a0 With every issue that confronts a couple (sharing housework, dealing with money, struggling over parenting issues, where to go for vacation, etc. etc.) there is his side and her side (or her side and her side or his side and his side).\u00a0 When people bring these struggles into my office I am shown The Great Debate and invariably (I mean\u00a0invariably),\u00a0<\/em>each person gives up, exhausted and deflated.\u00a0\u00a0As well they would be<\/span><\/em>!!!\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

So here’s the way out of this frustrating circle.\u00a0 Realize that the chances of convincing the other person that you are right and they are wrong will be very slim.\u00a0 The second step, that is so crucial, is to understand and appreciate that there is something else that feels vital that underlays The Great Debate.\u00a0 It may be about having a crucial emotional need recognized. It may be about being seen and valued by your partner.\u00a0 Usually, these needs (which are what the Debate is about on the most fundamental level) are outside of our awareness, yet they spark our intensity.\u00a0 Needless to say, this devolution into Debate, is a particular interpersonal hazard for those trained in law.\u00a0 The mistake is to seek to\u00a0persuade <\/em>the other.\u00a0 This will almost always spark the Debate and steer us away from understanding and ultimate agreement – in whatever form that may take.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Anybody who does something long enough will draw their own conclusions – make their own connections between events & experiences.\u00a0 No description of the therapy experience could be more apt.\u00a0 Nothing could be a better example of this series of observations than The Great\u00a0Debate that enters my office over and again.\u00a0 So many times, I Continue reading →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[6,5],"tags":[25,20],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1691"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1691"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1691\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1714,"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1691\/revisions\/1714"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1691"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1691"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/josephshaub.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1691"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}